My Pity Party

Are you so sick of hearing about this pregnancy? It seems like it's all I blog about. I would say I'm just as sick of actually being pregnant, but given yesterday's news, everyday I continue to be pregnant, I'm happy.

I went to the doctor's a couple weeks ago because I'd been having some contractions. I'm crampy almost daily, which I wasn't too concerned about, but I'd had a few episodes of really distinct contractions that lasted for a couple hours so I thought I'd go in just to be safe. My doctor checked me and assured me I was fine, wasn't dilating and that the progesterone injections were and should do their job. But, because I keep having contractions, and because the injections aren't 100% guaranteed, she wanted to start fetal fibronectin tests (a test that will tell you if you have a chance of going into labor in the next two weeks) at 24 weeks.

Yesterday was my appointment and I got the test done. I haven't been nearly as crampy in the last couple weeks and I haven't had any serious contractions, so I was expecting good results. It came back positive though (which for this test is bad news) and my doctor put me on "moderate" bedrest. When I asked what things I shouldn't be doing, she pretty much named everything: cooking, cleaning, sex, walking, lifting. Sounds just like regular bedrest to me.

I've been having some major mom guilt over this. So far through this pregnancy, Ben has been my first priority. Even with cramps and contractions, I've felt like I need to take care of Ben first. He's real and alive and standing right in front of me, and I need to take care of him. I've just assumed that the baby will be fine and if I can take it, he can take it. I thought we'd just been sucking it up together. So now I'm having mom guilt over not taking better care of myself to ensure nothing would go wrong with the baby. Add to that the guilt of now not being able to take care of Ben like I feel like I should. I'm a big ball of hormonal guilt.

I'm lucky I have family nearby and so many people that love Ben; I know he'll be well taken care of for however long I'm on bedrest. But I'm his mom and I want to be the one taking care of him. Today is the first day he's been gone and I just know he's having the time of his life. And I know he'll have the best summer having playdates every single day, but I miss him. I'm selfish and I hate the thought of just sitting here doing nothing while he's out there having fun. I want to watch him have fun.

I'm sorry this sounds like such pathetic melodrama. I go back in next week and I'm hoping she'll redo the test. I'm not really sure how the test works, but I'm crossing my fingers it'll come back negative. In the meantime, John's rearranged his work schedule so he'll be home in the afternoons and I have family to watch Ben in the mornings. Plus, it's only temporary; it's just one summer. It's really not so bad. I'm just freakishly hormonal right now and I'm gonna miss not having my little buddy around.

I don't know what I'm going to do when he starts preschool. I'll just know I'll have a nervous breakdown.